We need to discuss an issue which we’ve all had to deal with recently. We’ve avoided it as long as we can, but this mockery must to be stopped.
I’m going to come out and say it: Crocs shoes are ugly and worthless. I figured people would have come to this conclusion without an editorial, but my faith in mankind has been shattered. People have obsessed over these monstrosities for so long, they’ve been brainwashed into believing they are fashionable and trendy. I’m here to break the curse.
People really waste their time talking about these things, and they sound ridiculous doing it. During my extensive research on the subject, I took the opportunity to peruse the testimonial section of the Crocs Web site and made some priceless discoveries. After a visit to the local sweat shop, Gail Thompson from Oklahoma felt compelled to type up some lovely prose.
“When the sales lady told me how comfortable they were, I didn’t believe her at first.” Thompson said, “Then I ask to try on a pair of chocolate Crocs, and Cupid sprung his arrow and I was smitten. Wow!”
I think I just vomited in my mouth.
Sally Leibbrandt of Colorado threw her 8-year-old son a birthday party and this is what she was most excited about:
“I realized most of the kids had Crocs on so I decided to take a picture not only of the kids but of their shoes! Red seems to be the color of choice for this crowd!”
This lady has nothing better to do with her life. It is a disgusting display of trend.
This is the mentality of most Crocs wearers. They think they are all trendsetters when they strut around with an entitled smirk and they expect people to stop them and ask about their weird shoes. And sure enough, they let strangers try them on in public, which is absolutely unacceptable! They spread the disease.
The real kicker is Beth Cauwels from Minnesota who says, “Once I discovered you make my favorite shoes in white, how could I not purchase them to wear at my wedding?!”
Oh my God. I would have left her in San Juan on the way back from the honeymoon if she’d had pulled that number on me.
Some people might delude themselves into thinking that Crocs are made of rubber or plastic, but the truth is far more appalling. Crocs.com reports that the detestable shoes are made out of a compound known as Croslite PCCR; some scientific jargon that we’re not supposed to understand, yet accept. I have done the work for you all and I am unhappy to report that Doctors Donovan and Whitworth will be very upset when they hear that PCCR stands for Proprietary Closed Cell Resin, a petroleum-based substance.
Isn’t petroleum that thing that we’re running out of? I thought we were looking for alternative sources of energy, not thinking up dumber ways to waste what little we have left. It’s all for the sake of an ugly shoe. Well, why don’t you take that shoe, set it on fire, and put it in my gas tank so I can donate food to the local orphanage. Bottom line, Crocs keep orphans from eating. If you really want to save the world with your foot apparel, go to Tomsshoes.com and buy a pair; children in Africa receive a free pair for each one purchased. Become an advocate for something that betters society. Don’t try to make yourself feel special by buying an ugly shoe.
Part of living green is thinking about the long-term consequences of our actions and consciously making the altruistic decision to give up a few of our conveniences for the sake of mankind’s future. Destroying these filthy shoes is one of those sacrifices. Join the cause; on Friday morning drop your Crocs off on the steps of Sadler Hall, the foundation of this great university, and let’s put an end to this destructive menace.
Joey Parr is a senior radio-TV-film and political science major from Fort Worth.