Keep bad candy out of your stash to avoid passing rotten legacy to today’s trick-or-treaters

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    Remember the good old days of trick-or-treating? You know, back when you would don your costume and parade around the neighborhood knocking on the doors of complete strangers in hopes of a glorious, sugary bounty. And who can forget the time-honored tradition of secretly stashing your candy so your parents couldn’t limit your gluttonous consumption?Yes, Halloween arouses fond memories in all of us. However, there was always one villain out to ruin your sugar-craving fun: bad candy. Despite all of the pranks the older kids would pull and having your awesome costume upstaged at the block party, nothing could spoil your Halloween fun more than having a box full of disgusting sweets plopped into your pillowcase.

    Look, I know that no sane individual would give sweet, innocent children bad candy on purpose. However, certain people’s views on what kind of candy kids like are horribly skewed. While you can’t always please everyone, there are definitely certain types of confections to avoid. I mean, there’s something to be said when one kid who eats dirt for fun wouldn’t even touch the junk that you gave him or her. It is up to our generation to rectify the problem.

    First of all, very few people like Dots. These little terrors are made by Tootsie Roll Industries and usually find themselves sandwiched in a variety bag with other, more popular Tootsie products. While the packaging makes them look tasty, what’s contained inside is an affront to candy lovers everywhere. I can best describe the taste as a cross between old fruit and airplane glue. No self-respecting human would ever willfully consume them. In fact, I’m convinced Stalin invented Dots as some kind of torture device for those who betrayed Mother Russia.

    Another item to avoid would be the ZERO candy bar. This little number consists of caramel, peanut, almond and nougat covered in white fudge. Alright, that sounds like a bad idea right off the bat. Who green-lighted that project? Even if the prospect of one of these bars tickles your taste buds, go buy one and see what they taste like. ZERO is not only the name of the candy bar, but it is reflective of your will to live after consuming one.

    My last item may be met with a little bit of controversy, but I don’t believe many children like Smarties. We’re all familiar with these little cellophane-wrapped, supposedly fruit-flavored candies. I use the term “candy” very loosely here. Smarties have the consistency of aspirin and taste just like it too. I knew kids in elementary school that loved these things, but I was always convinced they were cyborgs that needed the chalky candy for sustenance. The “humanoid children” never liked those things.

    As mentioned earlier, it is up to our generation to eliminate bad candy from the Halloween fold. As far as I’m concerned, you can never go wrong with chocolate. Twix and Snickers are always a favorite. However, if you’re afraid of a lawsuit due to an allergic reaction to chocolate, Starburst will do the trick. As lighthearted as this article may seem, it’s truly a serious issue. If you don’t want our kids to grow up to be cynical college newspaper columnists, take heed.

    David Hall is a freshman news-editorial journalism major from Kingwood. His column appears every Tuesday and Friday.