Last week’s Democratic National Convention in Denver showcased the first time many Americans got a glimpse of Barack Obama’s running mate, Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware.
Like any good patriot, I believe an open dialogue about political issues is necessary for the health of our nation. Therefore, let me express my outrage that Obama passed up on the most obvious choice for his potential vice president: Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps.
First of all, Joe Biden will garner Obama virtually zero extra electoral votes. Biden hails from the tiny state of Delaware, which according to the Federal Election Commission, accounts for three of the 538 total electoral votes.
Basically, if your body were the United States Electoral College, Delaware would be the third eyelash on your right eyelid. Delaware isn’t exactly going to swing the election.
Michael Phelps hails from the electoral colossus of Maryland, which carries 10 votes. Not only would Phelps’ presence on the ticket assure a landslide victory usually reserved for an unopposed dictator in his home state, but Phelps could take his show on the road to win those crucial swing states.
All Phelps would have to do is show up in a hotly-contested area, find a large body of water, and beat a high-powered speed boat in a 15 mile swim.
Men would dig his athletic prowess, and women would be all over his washboard abs. Bam. Instant blue state.
Now it’s on to the medal count. Joe Biden has zero career Olympic medals. Michael Phelps has 16.
Phelps has 14 golds that he presumably uses to woo women and prop up his couch.
He also has two bronze medals that have been rumored to lie at the bottom of a landfill in Taos, N.M. because Phelps wants everyone to forget about the time he didn’t completely vaporize the competition with feats of swimming greatness.
When it comes to duties as speaker of the Senate, Phelps has Biden beat again.
Biden will try to solve problems with lame things like words and diplomacy.
Michael Phelps will eat any and all opponents.
According to Fox News, Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day. This is roughly the equivalent of ingesting 12 grown human males.
A certain Republican senator from Alaska trying to blow up schools so he can drill for oil? A little closed-door meeting with Mr. Phelps would make sure all those children get the education they so desperately need.
While the U.S. Constitution states that one must be at least 35 years old to be vice president, they also spell the word choose as “chuse,” thus robbing it of any credibility.
So what if Phelps is 23? The Constitution was obviously written in a time when proper spelling was optional and our founding fathers could not foresee the existence of a dolphin/man hybrid that would take the nation by storm.
I propose we add the Phelps Amendment to the Constitution, because everyone knows the best laws are made hastily and without foresight into their effect on the public.
Remember Prohibition? America was a peaceful land completely devoid of gangsters and smuggling then, and it’s not like people formed underground drinking clubs. Good job, Congress.
Obama-Phelps ’08. It’s not too late.
David Hall is a junior news-editorial journalism major from Kingwood.