College in 550 words of 10-point body copy

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    As the days count down to graduation, I keep having the same thought.I’m not nearly mature enough to be graduating in less than a month.

    And I’m sure there are a lot of people who feel the same way. I mean, I basically feel like I just got here, and now I’m being forced out the door.

    So, I want to share all the knowledge that I’ve learned in my years here. I hope they’ll help someone out there.

    No. 1: When you’re in orientation, don’t sexually harass your OSA. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.

    We were playing “I never” to get to know everyone, and something was called that prompted me to have to get up and find a new chair. I did, but my female OSA had her eyes on the same one.

    I arrived seconds late with arms outstretched, and, yes, my hand landed somewhere it wasn’t supposed to.

    And all I could think was, “OK, I just got to school, and now I’m going to be kicked out because of sexual harassment.”

    And, to make matters worse, the male OSA in the group made it a point to make his next one, “I’ve never touched (the female OSA’s) boob.”

    Not exactly a good start on an intellectual journey. And, oddly enough, my OSA and I never really spoke after that.

    No. 2: If you’re going to make a group of people mad, don’t make it the football team. Last year, I wrote a column satirizing the football team. Basically, I insinuated that the football team was doing so bad that it should cut its losses and dissolve itself.

    Yeah, it was that bad. And the strange thing is that the team took offense to it. It, and basically the entire Alumni Association.

    And, while I did my best to make up for it (thankfully they gave me a lot of positive things to work with this season), I still do my best to avoid any football players.

    You know, just in case.

    No. 3: Just because you’re graduating a semester early, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to take a semester off.

    I thought it made perfect sense. I’ll enter the workforce the same time as the May graduates, so I can use those additional five months between December graduation and May graduation however I want.

    Surprise, surprise, that idea wasn’t met too well by the parental unit.

    And, apparently, companies frown upon applicants who spent the last several months sleeping.

    So, for all my hard work and struggling, I’ve simply earned the ability to stress about the job search earlier than my fellow classmates. And to make super seniors feel better by claiming that they’re not graduating late; they’re simply using the semester I didn’t use.

    No. 4: Don’t graduate until you’re ready.

    After all this schooling and two majors, I still don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life.

    All I want to do is find a job where I don’t have to dress up, can wake up at noon and make a bunch of money. There are plenty of jobs out there like that, right?

    And that’s it. Everything I’ve learned in three and a half years can be wrapped up in 550 words.

    Now, who wants to hire me?

    Drew Irwin is a senior economics and broadcast journalism major from Dallas.

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